I’m on the opposite side of the spectrum. I’m 23 and have experienced a solid number of partners and committed relationships.
After my last long-term relationship however, I realized how much time and energy these commitments take. I’ve noticed that after a while, I tend to lose myself in long term R’s, and I hate the feeling.
This ends my relationships. It starts out fine, with healthy and strong boundaries with regards to personal time and energy. Over time, the compromises eat away at me, and I find myself with very little time for my own pursuits and personal growth.
It’s odd too, because I’m quite aware of my boundaries and strong with them. Something about relationships or my partners slowly erodes them.
Near the end, I feel so suffocated that I’m usually becoming distant and breaking things off.
Singlehood is liberating, but I hate that I love my partners and I can’t figure out a way to stop repeating this harmful pattern. It’s either something wrong with me, or something wrong with how I pick my partners.
i haven't made this experience as strongly as i was able to find time for my own things in my work (being selfemployed at times and having a partner that had a well paid job too which lessened the pressure on me to focus on income helped) but what i realized is important is support from my partner for my interests and goals (and of course i should equally support my partners goals)
without that support, compromises meant that i would have to give up my goals in favor of a happy relationship. and maybe this is what you are experiencing. find a partner that actually supports your goals and interests (that doesn't mean that they need to have the same goals and interests, but only that they should not be conflicting, as well as they should have goals you are willing to support)
> Something about relationships or my partners slowly erodes them.
Simply put: fear of losing access to sex will make many men compromise a lot. There are other things that can contribute to this, such as "wanting her to be happy" being conflated with "she will only be happy if she gets her way".
I recommend you read No More Mr. Nice Guy and see if it rings any bells for you.
A strong commitment to boundaries doesn't do a lot for you if you capitulate every time.
As for the reasoning behind my actions, I often feel it’s not only about sex, but a deeper need to avoid confrontation and keep a relative peace in the relationship.
In one of my last relationships, part of the problem was a constant war over my personal boundaries. My partner was requiring too much of my attention and energy, pushing things, moving fast at every turn. This eventually eroded the lines I set.
This situation is something I need to keep an eye out for future relationships!
After my last long-term relationship however, I realized how much time and energy these commitments take. I’ve noticed that after a while, I tend to lose myself in long term R’s, and I hate the feeling.
This ends my relationships. It starts out fine, with healthy and strong boundaries with regards to personal time and energy. Over time, the compromises eat away at me, and I find myself with very little time for my own pursuits and personal growth.
It’s odd too, because I’m quite aware of my boundaries and strong with them. Something about relationships or my partners slowly erodes them.
Near the end, I feel so suffocated that I’m usually becoming distant and breaking things off.
Singlehood is liberating, but I hate that I love my partners and I can’t figure out a way to stop repeating this harmful pattern. It’s either something wrong with me, or something wrong with how I pick my partners.
Has anyone faced this?