Neat. Now gear up for some honest feedback on your blurb :)
>A First Look at BankSimple
FB: Ok, though "Sneak Peek" is easier to relate to than "First Look".
>Joshua Reich, Wed September 21, 2011
FB: Ok.
>We’ve been very cautious on our blog and website about >talking about what we’ve been building.
FB: Redundant. Why are you telling me you've been "cautious"?
>Instead, we’ve focused on our vision.
FB: What vision? Mention it. Mention the key value proposition.
> Today that is changing: Below is a first public sneak peek of BankSimple. We think it’s far more powerful to show than tell.
FB: Check capitalization. Focus on what the user is getting is getting, rather than what you feel("we think it's far..")
>And now we are ready to show. We’ve been testing the product for a few months now, and it has been awesome. >The product isn’t finished. It will never be finished. We’re constantly improving. But we’ve now reached the >point where we’ve learned as much as possible from testing internally and in a few weeks we’ll be shipping >
>cards to our first real customers.
FB: Mostly redundant. Only thing that's relevant is "We’ve successfully tested the product for a few months now, and are looking forward to ship it to our first customers over the next few weeks. (Click here to request a beta invite.)"
>This is only the beginning, but it is a tremendous step forward for our company.
FB: This line might be good for boosting the morale at a company internal meeting, but it means nothing to the customer. Also it seems to reinforce the idea that you're not ready yet to grab my attention.
>We will be sharing more important updates with you soon,
FB: Maybe be a little more specific than "soon"? "over the next couple of weeks"?
> but in the meantime,
FB: OK
>we hope that you enjoy this first look at our product –
FB: Redundant. What's there to enjoy?
>we’d love to hear your feedback.
FB: This looks like a call to action, with no visible action button. What should the user do to provide feedback? Maybe turn the "feedback" word at the end of the sentence to a hyperlink that points to a feedback page? Or better yet, use something lightweight like http://webengage.com/ (disclaimer: it's made by a friend of mine).
>A First Look at BankSimple
FB: Ok, though "Sneak Peek" is easier to relate to than "First Look".
>Joshua Reich, Wed September 21, 2011
FB: Ok.
>We’ve been very cautious on our blog and website about >talking about what we’ve been building.
FB: Redundant. Why are you telling me you've been "cautious"?
>Instead, we’ve focused on our vision.
FB: What vision? Mention it. Mention the key value proposition.
> Today that is changing: Below is a first public sneak peek of BankSimple. We think it’s far more powerful to show than tell.
FB: Check capitalization. Focus on what the user is getting is getting, rather than what you feel("we think it's far..")
>And now we are ready to show. We’ve been testing the product for a few months now, and it has been awesome. >The product isn’t finished. It will never be finished. We’re constantly improving. But we’ve now reached the >point where we’ve learned as much as possible from testing internally and in a few weeks we’ll be shipping > >cards to our first real customers.
FB: Mostly redundant. Only thing that's relevant is "We’ve successfully tested the product for a few months now, and are looking forward to ship it to our first customers over the next few weeks. (Click here to request a beta invite.)"
>This is only the beginning, but it is a tremendous step forward for our company.
FB: This line might be good for boosting the morale at a company internal meeting, but it means nothing to the customer. Also it seems to reinforce the idea that you're not ready yet to grab my attention.
>We will be sharing more important updates with you soon,
FB: Maybe be a little more specific than "soon"? "over the next couple of weeks"?
> but in the meantime,
FB: OK
>we hope that you enjoy this first look at our product –
FB: Redundant. What's there to enjoy?
>we’d love to hear your feedback.
FB: This looks like a call to action, with no visible action button. What should the user do to provide feedback? Maybe turn the "feedback" word at the end of the sentence to a hyperlink that points to a feedback page? Or better yet, use something lightweight like http://webengage.com/ (disclaimer: it's made by a friend of mine).