I appreciate the post as I haven't read it before. I am confident I'm an introvert I definitely NEED my quiet time - plenty of it. I absolutely suck at small talk. In fact, it's one of the things that causes me the most anxiety about business meetings. I'm cool with the meeting/presentations/etc..., but if we have to go to lunch or dinner, I'm petrified!
Below are a couple of things that help me, and I'm curious if other introverts have adopted any tools to help them:
1. Alcohol! Of course, this isn't always appropriate, but it does seem to work. Hah.
2. Adopt a passion in a subject that is applicable to a large audience that falls outside your primary expertise. For example - Fitness. As the article states, introverts are perfectly capable of engaging in conversations that interest them without the exhaustion that comes with normal small talk. Most people are interested in fitness. Therefore, if the introvert is highly interested in fitness, it stands to reason that he can steer a conversation in that direction and engage with a wide array of personalities. Food/Nutrition, Travel, history are other examples that might work.
As an introvert myself, I follow a short list of rules/steps before big events/social gatherings that starts a few days before the event itself. Although I'm usually physically exhausted the day after the event, I'm often complimented and mentioned as 'quite the social butterfly' by friends and acquantances during such events. These things don't take much time, but do take effort. The payoff is worth it though (firends, fun, and fame ;-) ). YMMV.
1. Ditch the alcohol. Or, at least, know your limit (that gives you a buzz) and have 50% less. You want to be able to remember faces and names of the people you meet and some details about your conversation. So make sure your mental faculties are reasonably sharp.
2. Spend most of your time listening. Pretend that you're interviewing the person and ask them open ended questions about their job and hobbies. You will almost certainly find out something interesting about them that you can discuss further. Who knows, maybe they're a programmer just like you!
3. Get up to speed on current events. I personally try not to read much news, but for about 3 days heading up to an event, I'll skim headlines and first paragraphs news articles on a broad range of topics (takes less than an hour each day). The goal here is to create little hooks that you can hang conversations on, it is not to become an expert on a random topic. You'll most certainly run into someone who'll know more than you and will gladly tell you all about it.
4. Keep it light. You and the other guests are there to have fun. Downers are for drug addicts. Politics and religion is for reddit.
5. Work the room by having short conversations with lots of people and asking for introductions. Introductions are as simple as asking, "So who else do you know here tonight?".
6. Prepare yourself mentally for being at the event. Clear out to do's and other distractions. I kind of psych myself up for chatting with lots of people in the same way others might psych themselves up for sports contests (metaphorically, of course).
All of the above can be summed up as:
1. It's not about you. It's about everyone else who you'll meet, the friends you'll make, and making sure your significant other has a good time (especially if he/she is an extrovert).
2. Prepare. "A hard drill makes an easy battle".
I've learned to turn down small talk heavy events that I can't adequately prepare for. I've also learned that you can have a 15 minute conversation with someone by just asking what they do for a living and how they got to doing it. I've learned that stock phrases (aka, pick up lines) really work. My favorites are:
"Hi, I'm Andrew."
"What do you do (for a living)?"
And, if I find out the person has an MBA: "So what the hell is future-discounted value?"
#5 is gold. You're not there to do business or woo people - it's all about establishing contact so that you can follow-up with a few and do business and go on a coffee date.
What you may find is the simple act of repeated short interactions is the most effective warmup for introversion. The thing is it may take more than one interaction to be warmed up. Five more likely. Any number is better than one.
A social experiment I highly recommend: Walk down a not too busy city street and just start smiling and saying hi to people. You'll find most people will ignore you, maybe even give you a negative look. Don't mind them. If you can get to a certain magic number for the environment, you'll find the balance shifting - you'll start to feel energized, fearless, alive and - it is usually at this point that some people respond back in kind. And when that happens, I can schmooze with the best. In a way only introverts can. This might be 50 HIs and smiles later though. Good luck! Even on a smaller scale (walking into a room and deliberately greeting everyone you first encounter), this really helps!
Very good advice indeed. Looking forward to putting it to practice on New Year's Eve!
Your point #2 reminds me of a HN comment that said something along the lines of "when I meet someone, I assume this person has a secret and it's my job to discover it".
Recently after reading this, I got talking with a guy sitting on the next seat on a plane, who I discovered had been a screenwriter for a famous TV show for three years and had a particular fondness for programming (and a lot of insightful comments on tech in general). An hour before, I only knew this guy had an impressive mustache.
Below are a couple of things that help me, and I'm curious if other introverts have adopted any tools to help them:
1. Alcohol! Of course, this isn't always appropriate, but it does seem to work. Hah.
2. Adopt a passion in a subject that is applicable to a large audience that falls outside your primary expertise. For example - Fitness. As the article states, introverts are perfectly capable of engaging in conversations that interest them without the exhaustion that comes with normal small talk. Most people are interested in fitness. Therefore, if the introvert is highly interested in fitness, it stands to reason that he can steer a conversation in that direction and engage with a wide array of personalities. Food/Nutrition, Travel, history are other examples that might work.
How about you?