> A lot of the "good ones" often exit marriages and long-term relationships to better themselves.
I would not consider someone who exited a marriage for the sole purpose of bettering themselves to be one of the "good ones". The more apt term would perhaps be "selfish" (this assumes that both parties accepted the conventional terms of what a marriage implies). On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with ending a long-term relationship to better one's self — no permanent commitment has been established.
I find this very interesting, as it is more or less directly opposed to the traditional (sic) framing of marriage as for better and for worse; and it explicitly foreground self interest where traditional marriage is/was often a contract at least as much about family, business, or social interests, as personal benefit.
Restated, this view asserts that marriage, or, the partner, are of value only in as much as they remain beneficial on a limited horizon extended by limited extrapolation to future goods.
That sounds to me like precisely the same sort of short-term-results focus that is increasingly being criticized for producing non-desirable behaviors by public corporations beholden to hit their numbers, regardless of long term costs, externalities, etc. etc.
I am NOT being critical, btw. This is a total valid and rational formulation, and it has refreshing clarity.
That said at a personal, anecdotal, level, I can report after 15 years of marriage (and 25 together) with a partner, that there seem to be good reasons for the traditional formulations to have evolved as they have.
E.g. that there is great value when the market is down (e.g. under the decade-long stress of parenting young children) is knowing that your partner has committed (is stuck) to you, even when you don't have the resources to give them your best self.
We all err; disaster strikes; forgiveness takes time; sometimes it will take more than a day to heal.
I see nothing wrong with that, as long as you and your partner are both clear on that point before marriage occurs. The problem materializes when there is a mismatch on what "marriage" means to the two people involved. As long as neither party reneges on the terms that were mutually agreed upon prior to the marriage, the particular nature of those terms is largely irrelevant.
Which means that the terms they are on with their ex, are an even stronger indicator of how much of a "good one" they are. Communication skills are important. Foresight to agree on things before hand is also important. All great symptoms of someone who will make a good partner.
Someone trapped in a bad marriage <<< someone on excellent terms with their ex.
I would not consider someone who exited a marriage for the sole purpose of bettering themselves to be one of the "good ones". The more apt term would perhaps be "selfish" (this assumes that both parties accepted the conventional terms of what a marriage implies). On the other hand, there's nothing wrong with ending a long-term relationship to better one's self — no permanent commitment has been established.